Talking to the moon
by Sambina
Summary: Kenshin and Kaoru are married. Suddenly the worst happens and kenshin's world is turned in to pain and hurt. the only comfort he finds comes from a memory of something said to him in the past.
1. The Moon

A/n I know that I said that I would try to wait till I finished the other stories but this just came to me and I had to write it down. Sorry to those who are waiting for A New Kenshin, I take so long to update and for that I am sorry.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or _anything _that is RK

Kenshin's point of view

Today I was at the river doing my regular amount of fishing. For some reason during Kaoru's pregnancy she developed the oddest craving for Catfish. Catfish? I thought the same too because my beloved hates Catfish. One day she came to me as I was doing my normal load of laundry and said, "Kenshin, this will sound so odd but I really need to get my hands on some catfish." Then I said,

"Why my dear, do you plan to slap Yahiko across the face with it? Because if tha…"

"NO! But maybe if you give me such a hard time again I'll slap you with it. Besides Kenshin I want to eat it!" She also has the worst mood swings but what can I do I love her with all my heart.

"Oro? You want to eat Catfish? But you absolutely HATE that fish."

"Kenshin leave me alone… I'm pregnant with our child and I want the Catfish. Is that so wrong?" Then she sent me off to the river to fish and so I have, for a month now. Every day I bring it home and she eats it or dinner. One night Yahiko teased that if Kaoru kept it up our child would end up coming out smelling of Catfish. Then Kaoru gave him a taste of her backhand and Yahiko still has the bump on his head. I felt the line jerk and I got excited because now she won't kill me for coming home empty-handed. I tugged at the line and felt it giving way. I almost had it when Sano and Yahiko came running to tell me that Kaoru had gone into labor and was in our room with Megumi as we spoke. Their sudden yelling made me let go of the fishing pole and I watched as the pole was pulled into the water. Now I knew Kaoru would kill me for losing that. We ran home through the crowded streets to find that she was still in her very painful labor.

"Kenshin! It hurts!" I quickly went to her side and tried to comfort her in every way possible. She was covered with sweat and had the look of pain painted on her face. I went to get a damp cloth to wipe her forehead and hopefully calm her down a little. As soon as the cloth was placed on her head she grabbed my hand and squeezed the blood from it. I wished that I could take away her pain but I couldn't and it killed me inside.

"Kaoru, hang in there you just need to breathe." Megumi instructed. Kaoru did as she was told and loosened her grip. Then the only sound in the room was her deep breathing. An hour later Megumi checked to see how much longer it would take before Kaoru could begin pushing. "Kaoru there is a bit more of a wait but trust me the worst is almost over." Then Megumi walked over to me and asked to have a word outside. The moon was already high above us. "Ken-san, there is a problem." My heart stopped at the words. "Kaoru isn't showing signs of progressing in her labor and that baby needs to come out now. I'll give her another hour and if still nothing happens then there is nothing I can do to save the child but open up her stomach." I felt my heart fall to the ground and through the floor. "The worst is yet to come, I have no means of numbing the pain."

"Are you saying that she will feel everything."

"I'm sorry, but yes." I felt tears making its way down my face.

"What will happen if we don't operate?"

"You will lose the baby and her." The words that were said to me felt as if they came from a distant dream.

"Is there a possibility of losing her during the surgery?" Megumi fell silent and looked away from me and I knew what that meant… _yes. _"Is there no other way?" She shook her head no. "Then I leave her in your hands…" were the word that left my lips but my insides were screaming no do not let her do that. Don't let her put Kaoru in such pain. I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind and walked with Megumi to Kaoru's room. I pushed aside the rice paper sliding door and entered behind Megumi. I took my seat next to Kaoru and waited for Megumi to tell her what would happen if Kaoru showed no signs of improving. Megumi took a deep breath and told Kaoru everything that would have to take place. Kaoru's face showed signs of fear but she told me it was for losing the baby or the ability to raise it. I knew that Kaoru's motherly instincts had already kicked in and she didn't care about the pain as long as the baby would be fine. The next hour was the longest in my life. All I could think about was the love I had for the woman lying before me and how lost I would be without her. Megumi left us and said to call if we needed anything. What I needed was the only thing she couldn't give… the assurance that my wife would be safe. I sat with Kaoru in silence while thinking about our baby. We planed to name it Kenji if it was a boy and Hana if it were a girl. Kaoru tugged at the sleeve of my gi and asked me if something was bothering me. "Kaoru the thought of you going through so much pain is killing me."

"Kenshin I'm not scared but I need you to be strong to. This is our baby and no amount of pain will stop me from making sure it's alright."

"You are that one that will be operated on an I'm the one that's scared." I said with a bit of a chuckle.

Kaoru looked me in the eyes and said. "Kenshin, the only thing that I'm scared of is losing our child or never being able to see you again."

"Kaoru don't talk like that."

"Kenshin, I trust Megumi but if that does happen I promise I will always be with you. You just need to look for the signs because they will be all around you. When you hear the sound of our child's laughter that is me saying hello, the gentle breeze on your face is me leaning in to give you a kiss, and the moon light over your head is me watching over you as you sleep."

"Kaoru please stop talking like that you're scaring me." I was afraid that Kaoru had given up hope on living past tonight and really thought that this was the end.

"Remember that Kenshin, please." I saw her blue eyes pleading and I couldn't resist.

"I'll remember I promise. I love you with all my heart and soul, with everything that I am." I bent don and kissed my wife's lips tenderly not ever wanting to stop and let go. She pulled away and looked at me.

"I love you too Kenshin. You don't know the feeling of joy that takes over me when I wake in the morning and the sun is shining into our room. Then I turn to see the person that I love so much asleep at my side." I love her so much and hearing her speak this way was heart wrenching. I heard a door slide open and from it entered Megumi. She stepped in and went to go check Kaoru.

"I'm sorry to interrupt but its time to see what's going on." As Megumi continued to see what was happening I stared into Kaoru's eyes for a long time. Then, "Kaoru, I'm sorry but I have to operate. I will go and get the tools and prep of the surgery I need you to try and relax okay."

"Okay, thank you Megumi." I got more cloths and Yahiko along with Sano got more water. Megumi came in the room to see Yahiko with a damp cloth over Kaoru's head, me holding her hand and Sano holding the other. Megumi for the first time I saw had her hair tied up with a ribbon.

"Hey fox what should I do?" Sano asked as she spread out her tools.

"Yahiko, Kaoru will need a cloth to bite down on. Kenshin get blankets ready for the baby. Kaoru do you think you will need him to hold down your legs?"

"No I think I'm fine but if I start to move too much go ahead and pin my legs down. But for right now Sano can you hold my left hand?"

"No problem Jou-chan." Sano walked over to Kaoru's left side and took her hand in his.

"Kenshin, Sano, I'm sorry if I squeeze too hard."

"Kaoru, don't worry about it. We are here for you and I don't care if you squeeze hard." Was all I could say. I wanted to say more but I couldn't. Besides, my wife was about to experience the worst pain in her life and there wasn't anything I could do to help her. Yahiko placed the cloth in her mouth and Kaoru bit down. It was about to start.

The Surgery

(If you're a bit squeamish the most detail I will go into is the amount of blood that was lost during this procedure. I'm not going to make innards hang out or anything so don't worry.)

Kaoru's bare stomach stood straight up as Megumi started the initial incision across her lower abdomen. Kaoru squeezed my hand and cringed in pain, as the cut became deeper. The blood began to flow and our sheets became a crimson color. Tears were flowing from Kaoru's eyes and she was giving off a muffled scream. It was a good thing that she had a cloth in her mouth because she would hurt herself from biting down so hard. Yahiko was to busy wiping her forehead to notice the amount of blood and Sanosuke tired to comfort with his voice. Only Megumi and I were noticing the amount of blood that Kaoru was losing and I became worried. I felt my heart beat elevate when the cloth fell from Kaoru's mouth and she let out a loud scream.

"Yahiko put a cloth in her mouth so she won't bite her tongue off." Was Megumi's instruction as soon as the scream ended. I felt tears welling up in my eyes because watching her go through this pain was too much for me to handle. The blood had already soaked through the futon and was beginning to trail on to the floor. "My god this amount of blood loss is dangerous."

"Megumi what can we do?" I inquired.

"Just hurry." Was all that she could tell me. After what felt like years I saw the head of my child. Megumi pulled the baby from Kaoru and after wrapping it in a blanket immediately went towards closing Kaoru up. The room was now filled with the sounds of its cries.

"Kenshin…what is it?" Kaoru asked between gasps.

"It's a boy… our Kenji." Kaoru gave him a kiss on the cheek and put her head back down. Sano took the baby from my hands and gave me time with Kaoru.

"I love you Kenshin and I love you Kenji." she said barely audible. I looked over and Megumi was not yet finished and Kaoru was still going through the now familiar pain. Even though Kaoru was being closed up she was still losing a considerable amount of blood. I looked at Kaoru, her eyes began to flutter and she was letting out very shallow breaths. "Kenshin…" She squeezed my hand, " I feel so dizzy." I felt her grip loosening. "Thank you Megumi for saving our child and giving me the chance to see him. I don't know where I would be without you. Kenshin, take care or our boy and make sure you train Yahiko he will become a fine swordsman someday. You also have to promise me you will take care of yourself don't let this keep you from living life. Do you promise?"

"I promise…"

"Let me see my son for one last time." Sano bent down and gave Kaoru better look. "Look Kenshin he has my eyes." She finally said with a smile. "I love you Kenshin…" then she squeezed my hand with the strength she had left. Then I felt her hand go limp and I knew she had left me. It was hard to keep the tears from spilling out of my eyes and I looked around to see that everyone else found it just as hard. Yahiko was crying and Megumi also had the tears flowing down her eyes. It was ironic that Kaoru died right when she was fully closed up. There was nothing we could do I told myself she just lost too much blood. We moved Kaoru to my old room, the one I used before we got married, and cleaned up the blood of the floor. I would have to get rid of the futon because it was soaked in blood and Sano and Yahiko said they would scrub the floor for me. I stood and took Kenji in my arms. Kaoru was right, he did have his mother's eyes but he had my red hair. I walked over to Megumi and thanked her for everything she had done for us tonight.

"I'm so sorry you lost her… I should have been quicker and maybe she would still be alive right now." She blamed it on herself which surprised me because she being the doctor should have known there wasn't anything that we could do.

"No don't blame yourself she just lost too much blood we couldn't do anything." I tried to say reassuringly. I left them in my room and began to walk towards the river that had occupied my time for the last month. The streets were quiet and everything was bathed in moonlight. A scary silence covered my surroundings like a huge blanket. I looked up to see a full moon and I remembered what Kaoru said. _The moon light over your head is me, watching over you as you sleep._ As soon as I heard those words in my head I felt my heart wrench in the worst pain that I've felt in the world. I felt numb inside and I couldn't hear the sound of my feet shuffling through the gravel.I finally got to my familiar fishing spot and sat down remembering the things that happened today. I held my son in my arms and bowed my head. Then I let all the pain that I bottled up out and cried bitterly to myself. Why was she taken away from me the person that I loved so much? Kenji looked up at me with piercing eyes. It was like he could see my insides and all of the feelings I had mixed together. Then he looked up and smiled like he was talking to someone. I looked up to see that no one was there but the moon. Kaoru was right she would always be with us, even Kenji knew she was there watching over us. The tears began to well up in my eyes again. I sat under the tree and cried in the presence of my son and the moon.

A/n: Well I hope you all liked it. I don't really know how sad it is but I hope you'll all tell me what you thought about it. So please leave me a review. If this were a one shot I feel this could be a good place to stop. Since it isn't there will be a few more chapters coming. Thanx for reading see you in the next chapter.


	2. Dead Inside

A/N: Hey everyone, how is the story so far. I hope it wasn't a disappointing type of sad story. I hope you guys like it leave a review okay.

Disclaimer: I don't own RK

Kenshin's point of view

Three years after the incident and I still feel like a hollow shell. Kenji is growing up to be a big boy with a child like innocence and an optimistic look on life. At least he is still happy. I can't stand how much he reminds me of Her sometimes. His big blue eyes and how he suddenly _needs_ catfish every night. Even though Kaoru is gone, I still sit next to the river bound by what my boy what asks for. Being a person that used to kill and get hurt in the process I have built up a tolerance to pain. But in all my years I have never felt a more horrible pain than the one that follows me wherever I go, keeps me up at night, and doesn't let me forget. The pain that one would try to cry away only to find it is still there holding on to me like a loving friend. The pain that leaves you numb inside but only enough to intensify the hole from my broken heart. The one from losing someone…from losing her. I looked up at the orange sky and anticipated the best part of my day. The Moon was about to come out.

I felt something tug at my line, I pulled hoping I could go home and get this over with. When the shadow got to the surface, it thrashed about revealing it was the one I wanted. I put it in my bucket and began to walk home. As I was walking over the bridge I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the water. My face looked rugged, aged by my never-ending pain and stress. The creases ran deep like a river allover my face. Facial hair also made an appearance. I couldn't believe what I saw but I knew deep inside it couldn't be truer. I haven't been myself lately. I still do chores around the house make sure my boy has everything he needs from the moment he wakes till he is sound asleep. But as soon as he is I grab a bottle of sake and head back to the river to spend time under the silver glow cast by the Moon. I sit there all alone drowning my pain and sorrow with the alcohol. I repeat this same process every day without fail. I began walking again listening to the gravel crunch under my feet with every step. Everyone stared at me with worry painted across his or her face. I continued on towards home. I took a deep breath of air perfumed by the falling cherry blossoms. Kaoru loved the way they danced towards the ground.

"DADDY!" Kenji yelled excited as he ran to me. A hug and a kiss greeted me. "Whoa, that's big." He started dancing, filled with excitement from the fish I caught. I lifted and situated him on my shoulders. "Daddy guess what?"

"What Kenji?"

"Today auntie Ayame came to play with me."

"What did you two do?"

"We played with a ball, the paper kind that she had to blow. I didn't let it touch the ground."

"Wow really? You kept up with it this time didn't you."

"Uh-huh, one day I will be a strong man like daddy. I'll use my sword to help people."

"I hope you don't become a wanderer though."

"Maybe I will, I think I want to."

"Why do you say that Kenji?"

"Cause if you never became a wanderer then you never would've met mommy. You told me you love her very much and I wanna find someone to love too." I felt my heart wrench with pain at what he said. I do love her, and I always will. I hope Kenji finds someone too I just hope he doesn't have to go through this kind of pain.

"I'm sure you will find someone, but how bout we talk about that when you get older?"

Kenji smiled and said, "Hai, alright daddy, when I'm older." We roasted the fish together and he ate the thing all by himself. I ate rice and miso watching in amazement of his appetite. He became sleepy quickly, especially after his huge meal. I left him in the care of Yahiko and Tsubame and started back for the river, three bottles in hand. I memorized my way there in the dark so even though my eyes didn't adjust yet I arrived at the river easily. I sat under the tree and began to drink while talking to the Moon.

"I miss you so much. Kenji reminded me of the day we met. He said that he wanted to grow up to wander like me. He wanted to meet someone during his wanderings and fall as deeply in love with her as I did you." I finished the first bottle and wished I brought more. What Kenji said made me hurt more than usual. I looked up at the moon and began crying. "I would give anything to see you again. Your loving eyes, tender smile, and touch as gentle as a spring breeze. Kaoru why did you leave?" I finished the second bottle with one swift gulp. I felt its effects kicking in. My pain started going away but was haunted with the fact that this was only temporary comfort. "Help me… Kaoru I don't want to settle for this kind of a life." I was beginning to feel again so I gulped the third bottle down faster than the first and second. It was hard to make out anything in the darkness. My surroundings became fuzzy and I knew what was about to happen. I tried to stand up and go home but instead of that I was drawn to do something else. I went to buy a stronger drink, western liquor. I decided to buy wine and returned. I drank it down with reckless abandon. Of course I still was left empty I hated what I just did. Never on my life did I ever drink this much. It felt like I burned a hole in my stomach. Using Kaoru's sudden death as an excuse was the worst thing I could do. Everything was blurry and dark and the only thing that I could see clearly, was the Moon above me. I kept blinking because I swore I saw her face, tears falling from it. I was overcome with guilt and the last thing I remember was saying… "Kaoru…I'm so sorry…I miss you so much" I tried to fight it but obviously lost.

The next morning

I woke with a very painful headache. The door slid to the side letting in a very painful light. I didn't see who walked in but guessed it was a doctor because the figure gave me an herbal medicine. She helped me drink it down. I looked up and could see her face…Kaoru. " Kaoru my love, I missed you so. I'm so sorry for letting myself go I promise to change because I can already feel my pain going away."

"Kenshin it's me, not Kaoru, it's Megumi." I blinked in a desperate attempt to prove my ears wrong. But they weren't it was Megumi.

"Megumi…What happened to me?"

"Kenshin, Sanosuke found you this morning past out next to the river surrounded by bottles of sake and a strong wine." She stopped, strongly disturbed by what I did. "He picked you up and took you home. I know you are overcome with pain but please promise you won't do something like that again. What kind of example is it for Kenji? Having a depressed drunk for a father."

"I know what I did, I can't believe I let it go so far. I missed her more than usual yesterday because of something Kenji said." I felt tears fall from my eyes.

"I'm sorry, but what did he say?" I looked at Megumi waiting for the right moment to say. Usually I cry alone, but this time I did it in her presence.

As tears were steadily running down my face I told her, " He said he wants to be a wanderer like me. He hopes that while he is he'll find someone to love as much as I loved Kaoru. I think children are more sensitive to feelings than adults are."

"Kenshin, He isn't the only one that can see and feel your suffering. We all do, I do."

"I know and I'm sorry for putting you all through this." She looked away, disappointed making me wonder if it was something I said.

"Kenshin, I don't think reliving your pain at the river is going to make things better. What do you do there anyway?"

"I spend time alone." I didn't want to tell her that I go there to be with Kaoru.

"Well okay but be careful, I don't want you to get sick." I tried standing but was stopped when she put her hand on my chest. "Where are you going?"

"I need to get a fish."

"Yahiko is already doing that, I will do the cooking today, and Sano will do the other chores around the house."

"And Kenji?"

"Tsubame and Ayame are with him right now." I couldn't believe they were all doing this to help when the reason I can't really move is because I drank until I passed out. Megumi left water at my side then left the room to do other chores.

Megumi's point of view

I left the room sliding the door shut. I could finally stop hiding the pain I felt. I couldn't believe what he was putting himself through. What would happen to Kenji if he left us? He was crazy. I made my way to cook breakfast and saw Kenji playing tag with Tsubame. His unstoppable laughter was what made me so happy. When I finally got to the kitchen I started soup. When I turned to get the Tofu Yahiko got that morning I saw Sanosuke standing there, looking very worried. "How is Kenshin?"

"Kenshin is fine, he just needs to rest. But I'm worried about him Sanosuke; we can't just let him writhe in pain. It's almost as if I can feel his health deteriorate with every passing day."

"I know, I feel the same way. It just isn't right to be depressed so long."

"Maybe we should find someone for him to talk to."

"Yeah fox, like who."

"I don't know, maybe Hiko can slap sense into him, or what about you? We can all come and try to talk to him."

"Okay I'll go right now." Sano left me to cook and went to talk to Kenshin.

Sanosuke's point of view

I arrived at Kenshin's bedroom. It was dark in a very depressing sort of way. "Kenshin? Are you awake?"

"…Kao…ru" Of course what else would he be dreaming about. I walked over and sat next to him. He has changed so much since that night. Tears were flowing from his eyes as he mumbled about his dream. "Kaoru I miss you, I love you, I love you so much."

"Kenshin, snap out of it, do you really think Kaoru wants you to go through this. I'm sure she would want you to be happy. Common and snap out of it already, live a happier life with Kenji."

"I can't"

"Kenshin? Your awake?" He rolled over and looked at me with pleading eyes.

"Please Sano help me. I can't go on living like this, I want to be happy for Kenji's sake, for my sake." I put my hand on his shoulder to try to comfort him.

"Kenshin, Don't worry I'll help you. Even if it takes years for you to finally accept that you _can_ be happy, that Kao would _want _you to be happy." Kenshin nodded his head to acknowledge what I said.

"Arigato." Kenshin closed his eyes and feel asleep.

A/n: hey everyone! Thanks so much for reading see you in the next chapter.


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